I’m always amazed by how quickly it happens. One moment, I’m dealing with the typical stresses that come in a day and the next moment, I’m lying on a floor in a fetal position in tears convincing myself to not just pack my bags and run away. If you’ve ever experienced this, or experienced the fear of sweaty palms, quickened heart rate, shortness of breath and uncontrollable tears, then you too struggle with anxiety.
At this very moment, I’m using this piece as a cathartic method to dealing with yet another attack. Not even twenty minutes ago, I threw my son’s toy across the room, angry for yet another toy to pick up. Angry that my husband sat in the midst of junk lying all around the living room without any intention on helping to pick it up. Angry that my home still hasn’t sold after 111 days on the market. Angry that despite all the work I’ve done to build my business, I’m currently stagnant. Angry that I. Can’t. Break. This. Cycle.
Right now, Christina Perri’s “Human” is playing on my Spotify playlist, and as I allow these emotions to seep in, she’s singing my story: “I can only take so much, til I’ve had enough. I’m only human. I bleed when I fall down. I crash when I break down.”
This piece isn’t being written to provide facts about what to do to cope with the crash. The truth is, I don’t know anymore. I do personal development… A LOT of it in fact. I read the bible. I pour into others so much that I neglect myself at times (Ah ha!). When I go back and do self care, others feel neglected and can’t function without me… and the cycle continues. What this piece IS doing however is keeping me from doing something crazy. Truth is, what I WANT to do is get in my car and drive until I no longer know the roads. You can’t do that as a mom though can you? Just like you can’t throw your son’s toys, leaving him and your husband to stare in confusion at what even happened.
What do you do when there’s no music to inspire you? When there’s no one to listen. When you exhaust prayer and resources? I’d like to say listen to more personal development. Pray more. Sneak away for an hour to cry alone. But then what? Do you come home to more of a mess because you left it? Honestly, I don’t know, but what I DO know is this isn’t the end of my road. It also isn’t the end of the road for you either. We both deserve to fight another day. I don’t know where the fight will come from today. I don’t know what will uplift me in this moment or how I’ll even face tomorrow, but I know that I will, because my promises to myself mean more than the pain of achieving them. I’ll go home and read my bible, I’ll read It Begins With Me, listen to Joyce Meyer, Joel Osteen, or Lisa Nichols for motivation.
And you’ll do whatever it is that you do. Together? We. Will. Get. Back. Up.